There was a point in my life when I used to welcome the tears that came with the struggles that came with living in a place like this.
My emotions have truly been a roller coaster over the past years and I have come to an understanding that it is good to cry because it is a very good form of expression.
Am in a place where am getting to know who I am and to learn to open my heart to receive the changes that comes with the many struggles that I am facing there; truly growth has taken place in me.
As I flip through the pages of my memories I can remember so many times since being there that I wanted to give up but I just could not, I was getting to know the Lord and with each step I took with Him leading and guiding me; I wanted more of Him, and by the time I realized it I was just too far to turn back.
I was in and I did not want out. I had no friends and I remember sitting in the cold and crying begging the Lord to please give me a friend to talk to. I was lonely and felt alone. I can remember how much it hurt, how much I wanted to numb the pain with something.
I was used to finding comfort in a bottle but here I just could not. I wanted the real thing. I was so tired of the emptiness deep within me and I was tired of lying to myself because there was never any comfort in these bottle because after I had drowned myself with what was in these bottles the pain was still there, the hurt did not go away and the emptiness was even more hollow, and all I was left with in the morning was a hangover and more reason to want to take my life.
I was tired of the fast life, living only for today mentally. God knows how much I wanted more out of my life. I felt so unloved and unwanted.
There had been many times during my life when I wanted to do away with my life. Growing up without a dad and a drunk for my mother was not something that gave me any hope for tomorrow.
I remember the many times I fell asleep with tears soaking my pillow. What words can I use to explain all the hurt? The pain used to feel so unbearable, that I used to wish I was never born. Please tell me how to put in words the undying need for love that still rips at my very heart!
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